What every girl wants to hear

Guy: I'm not going to start dating until I get over myself.

-CoffeeHouse
Overheard by the roguish Ricardo

Boy will SHE be sorry..

Two guys exit the co-op
Guy #1: Hey dude, that girl in line behind us was checking you out.
Guy #2: Was she hot?
Guy #1: Yeah
Guy #2: Let's go back and show her how wrong she was.

-Co-op
Overheard by the strapping Ricardo

Start small..

Guy 1: I'm going to go to coffee with her later too.
Guy 2 [with no (much needed) sarcasm]: Hey man, good job!! Someone actually made a friend in class!

-Near Shields

Oh don't worry, they don't make it taste like charity!

Girl 1: So what's this whole 'Fair Trade' thing about?
Girl 2: Well you buy your coffee from them and money goes back to the towns and villiages it came from.
Girl 1: And I'm supposed to care?

-Kerr Hall

The important things in life, kept in perspective.

Girl on cellphone: Hi, Mom? Hey, I have a question. Well I spilled orange juice all over my jacket when I was making breakfast this morning. Yeah, the white one, I'm still wearing it. Well do you think I should skip class.. just get off the bus and clean it off? Ok thanks, yeah I'll just get off at the next stop!

-W line Unitrans

Keeping things in perspective

Girl1: Whenever I go back to my parent's house I always wish that I had a laptop.
Girl2: It is really hard to share with parents. Plus all your stuff in on your computer!
Girl1: Totally.. like my pirated version of Lego Star Wars!

-Unitrans

Procrastination comes in many forms

Guy1: There is one guy in the group who is totally socially inept!
Guy 2: He should go on 'Beauty and the Geek'
[telling silence]
Guy1: You watch that show??
Guy2: Uhh well no. I mean, but last time it was the finale!

-On Unitrans

Code speak: decoded!

Girl1: Why are you all dressed up today?
Girl2: Cause yesterday you said that I looked depressed and nothing says 'depressed' like looking like shit.

-Olson

Service with a smile!

Guy: I like it when I can go to the bathroom and sit down on the toilet and have the seat still be warm.

-Near MU

Keeping the cultural tradition alive!

Girl1: I sabotaged your load!
Girl2: You would, you crafty little Asian..

-Two girls discussing laundry on Unitrans

Just punch out your friend now and get over the years of bitter struggle.

Girl1: Why are you walking so fast?
Girl2: Because it's raining. Why are you walking so slowly?
Girl1: Because it's raining.

- Near Silo

Making the best out of a bad situation

Girl1: ' You look like a hooker'-- that just hurts!
Girl2: Like my fist and your face hurts!
Girl1: ...I like fists...

-Unitrans

Sense of Humor with your Valtrex?

Girl: Ok, worst Valentine's Day ever?
Guy: High school.. My would-have-been girlfriend broke the news to me that she had herpes. Tried to make a joke of it, saying "Happy VD Day!"

-MU

As we have daily proof

Prof: I will remind you that even paranoids have enemies.

- Class in Olson

Now that's a good friend..

Girl: I think I have a bladder problem!
Guy: I could have told you as much.

-On Unitrans bus

And thus it begins..

Prof: Ah science majors.. we have a special place in hell for them!

-CompLit class in Olson

Except..

Girl to her tall, Caucasian friend: Has anyone ever told you that you look Asian?

-Unitrans

The department to which the UC money really goes..

Girl1: Where's your class?
Girl2: In Keebler.
Girl1: Uh, Kleiber?
Girl2: Oh yeah, like the elves!

-Unitrans

So that's what the kids are calling it nowadays..

Two girls discussing a phone conversation:
"It went like this..

Girl1: I felt it last night!
Girl2: What, his penis?
Girl1: No! IT!
Girl2: His penis??
Girl1: NO! That.. lovey feeling!"

-Unitrans

Good to see your tuition is paying for this education

Girl on cell phone: What if she had a baby with herself? Haha yes, how very Virgin Mary-esque! Well if she's a hermaphrodite she could do it-- just extract some sperm or something!

-near MU

Beam me up, Overheard!

Group of students waiting to get on the bus outside the Art Building Terminal:

Girl1: This is ridiculous! We need to just advance to the days of "Star Trek" and teleport home! [makes loud teleport-esque noise, then realizes what she has done]
Girl2: Yes, we heard that.

-Outside Art

That belongs in "Chicken Soup for the Romantic's Soul"

Professor: Yes exactly, so he is 'lost' in a sense of being found. [long pause] That's too cute by half.

-Classroom in Olson

Cyclops children are the new emo

Girl1: I want to have a Cyclops child!
Girl2: Well with your genes I bet you could.

-Near Art Building

That would have been an interesting art school application..

Guy: If I weren't in this major I would have gone to art school.
Girl: Really?? Me too!
Guy: Oh cool. My favorite art is stuff like Dali--
[blank look]
--you know, the guy with the melting clocks?
Girl: Oh I don't know him. I like stuff like.. well do you know [indistinct mumble of a name]?
Guy: No. I don't really know that many artists..

-on Unitrans

Points for admitting it at least..

Guy talking to two female friends: I don't know if I can fully count as a man anymore.. I watched "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" with my mom over the break and I think I grew a temporary vagina.

-Outside MU

You can tell a lot about a people by their buns

Professor: The Germans have a different way of looking at breakfast displays, and therefore a different way of looking at the world.

-German class in Olson

"I've always longed for the day when a man tells me that 2% of women really are hotter than me"

Suit and tie wearing type sitting at the bar talkin to a definate multi-colored dreads sporting type lady, trying to woo her and the like. They're chatting for a good long while and then he pulls out: "So, you know you're in better shape than like 95% of the women in here...no make that 98!"

-Sophia's
Emailed overheard... snarky title contribution and all

[Smacks forehead]

Guy: I hella wanted to get up in front of the class and just argue the counter-point. So I did and the class hella laughed cause I was the anti-recycling side.
Girl: What did you say?
Guy: Well like, trees are only grown so that they can be made into paper.

-CoHo

Can't we all just be friends?

Unitrans driver to a friend: Unitrans hates sorority girls.
Sorority girl, upon hearing this remark: And sorority girls hate ugly busses. And the vehicles they drive.

-W line

Cheer up, cart-pusher

Two men bike by, one riding a normal bike, the other some crazy bike-cart hybrid. The former turns to his friend and says: How very emo of you!

-near the art building

Two for one: avoiding confrontation and getting inheritance..

Guy: Tell her your parents died or something. How could you argue at a time like that?

-Checkout line in South Davis Safeway

This conversation is WAY too animated

Guy 1: I made the best sandwich this morning. I was so excited to eat it!
Guy 2: Sure seems like it!! What kind was it?
Guy 1: Ementhaler, honey roasted turkey and mayo!
Guy2: Wow, that DOES sound really exciting!!

-On the Quad

... Obviously not what your parents intended

Guy 1: I used to smoke like three bowls between classes. But I can't do that anymore.
Guy 2: Yeah, school is just way too demanding.
Guy 1: Totally. Like I could only smoke once on Tuesday since I had a test in the afternoon.
Guy 2: Man, what is it doing to us...

-On Unitrans

Maybe she just answered her own question?

Girl to her not-so-sympathetic friend: Why don't I have a boyfriend?? I'm a nice girl. I'm not stuck up. That's what sets me apart from a lot of other stupid girls.

-In the MU

The Mondavi Center has nothing on it.

Guy: I'm telling you, Davis is such a cultural armpit.
Girl: This coming from a guy who can't stay awake during any film besides "Jaws"?

-Shields Library

Put that one on your pre-made excuses list.

Girl 1: Do you want to come to a movie tomorrow night?
Girl 2: Is it free?
Girl 1: Yeah.
Girl 2: Oh wait, I can't-- tomorrow night is a full moon.
Girl 1: What, is that like some "I have to wash my hair" excuse?

-residence in S. Davis

I'll only tell if I get some navigator commission!

[right before divide]
Bus driver: Wait, is this the Silo bus?

-W Line (Silo) Unitrans

Doing our part to get the SMACK out there.

Faux-offended guy talking to female friend: Ooh smack! I'm gonna tell everyone you said that, I'm going to put it ALLL up on Facebook!

- Outside MU

Well now, that's just laziness talking!

Tipsy girl: I need to be on my hands and knees to really work on something!

- Sudwerks Brewery

Let's go for high QUANTITY instead!

Girl discussing lunch options with her boyfriend: I don't want to go to Pluto's, I don't feel like salad.
Boyfriend: They have sandwiches too.
Girl: I don't like them though, they're too good.. too gourmet.

- W line Unitrans

Sorry but Calvin already used that excuse

Guy on cell phone: I only told her I had to help my brother drive a moving van to the Yukon... I know but dude I just panicked!... Yeah now she just thinks I have a great sense of humor.

-Bainer Hall

When did this become lunch-time conversation?

Girl talking to her friend: I really liked the book up until the part where he said that she was as "sweet as a cupcake" that he wants to "lick around the edge for frosting." I don't even know what that means but it can't be good!

-Near the Silo bus terminals

Hellooooo couch!

Guy talking to his girlfriend: Well why don't you go home and put on your "bitch" costume so I won't be the only one who understands what you are!

-Outisde MU

Good news students: "poor" is the new "black"

[Two guys wandering past the hair product aisle..]

Guy 1: Haircare products are so goddamned expensive!
Guy 2: Yeah.. that's why my hair is ghetto fabulous.

- S. Davis RiteAid

Then what's this poking my back?

Bio 1C TA: This right here [points to slide] is called "early wood"... not to be confused with "morning wood"

- Science Lab, Bio 1C

When there is no space to run away..

Girl talking animatedly on cell phone in the crowded bus: You should hella get a tutor.. I could be your tutor, but you need to understand that I'm totally not going to let you get away with things.. Yeah cause I got A's in the 16 series.. Well if you don't think you need one, fine.-- but see this is just your arrogance talking, you really need my help.. [looks at phone as another call comes through] Ok I can't talk anymore, yeah bye... [answers other call] HEY! How are you? Yeah.. oh do you want to like study tonight?? What? You're going out tonight for fun!? It's not Halloween yet!

- W Line, Unitrans

".. Yes, but only when you came to visit"

Girl 1: I should really go back home this weekend..
Girl 2: Why's that? Weren't you there all summer?
Girl 1: Yeah but I was out all the time and my parents never really saw me..
Girl 2 [snidely]: What, like they were complaining?

- W Line, Unitrans

It's the question we've all been wanting to ask!

Lady 1: God, that hurts!
Lady 2: Are the crabs biting again?

- Outside N. Davis Safeway

Alcohol isn't the answer.. unless the question is:

Frustrated Girl: How did I do it last year without that little tool??
Wise Sage Guy: Beer.

- Appt. off of La Rue

What kind of context WOULD have explained these?

Some One-Line Gems:

Guy at party: I dropped seeds all over my crotch.. and your hand smells looong afterwards.

At same party: [jumbled conversation] "some finger banging on the dashboard" [more jumbled, though slightly quieter conversation] "and fuck coming out... what?" [as room quiets to hear]

- Appt. off of La Rue

Always nice to have friends watching out for you...

Guy on cell phone: They broke up last night? Wow, poor Heather-- she deserves better than that. Good thing she still us around....... Oh yeah totally, man, I'm definitly gonna hit that shit!

- Outside the MU

But I want GOLD

On the bus, hum of talking covering all conversations.. suddenly the noise stops and we all hear random guy assert:
"And I'll have your balls on a silver platter!"
[silence reigns]

- Unitrans, W line

And here I was thinking he seemed closer to "People"

Guy 1: Man, did you hear that Don's girlfriend found out about that other girl at the party last week?
Guy 2 : Nope.
Guy 1: You didn't? Geez. Well supposedly some shit went down. It's totally like Chris and Jen last quarter. You knew about that right?
Guy 2: Dude, what do I look like, "InTouch" Magazine?

-Outside the Silo